My thighs as I’m trying on size 4 jeans: “What year do you think this is?” Me, groaning and straining: “All I had for lunch was a baked potato.” Thighs: “With six pats of butter and about a quarter pound of bacon on it, right?” Me, still groaning and straining—possibly crying a little: “Small potato! So stop asking questions and get…[groan]…in…[gasp]…there.” Hips and belly: “Excuse us. We also have questions.” While we’re questioning—and sort of questioning bacon—Francis Bacon said, “A … [Read more...]

Distances, depths—I confess it, I just can’t judge them. I think I go a little mental. Judge-mental, maybe? There’s a shelf in the deepest part of our garage. I know the car is in far enough when the WD40 crashes onto the hood. That’s when I think, “Okay. Perfect.” Of course, “perfect” to me looks more like hail damage to my husband. When it comes to judgment, distance from bumper to shelf is one thing. People? They’re another. Sometimes we’re labeled judgmental by others when we call … [Read more...]

Big things come in small packages. I think the person who said that sat beside me in my high school geometry class. And even though I was really bad at geometry, I would never copy off that guy’s paper. Because that would be very wrong, yes. But also because the answer would also likely be very wrong. Let’s be real. As much as I tried, I could never make myself care what “Y” equaled. Congruently (see what I did there?), I don’t care what size the package is. Just as long as the package is … [Read more...]

Forget all those personality tests. Never mind the character studies. If you want insights into your own psyche, try the dishwasher. It’s a handy-dandy machine that can reveal what you’re really made of. All you have to do is follow these simple operating instructions:  1) Leave dishwasher door open. 2) Unwittingly apply shin forcefully to side of the open door. 3) Repeat as needed. There’s your temperament analysis. A few years ago there was a week or two when our dishwasher door wouldn’t … [Read more...]

The other night I was jolted out of bed by one of those monstrous thunder cracks. I think you can still see the fingernail marks on the ceiling over my bed. It was one of those rattle-the-windows, race-the-heart, vibrate-you-right-down-to-the-spirit kind of thunder explosions. I sensed people all over the Midwest getting right with God.  I’m not sure exactly how close the lightning was that came packaged with it, but I’m pretty sure my hair stood up for about an hour. My bangs have had a … [Read more...]

I accidentally made a wondrous discovery a few years ago. I forgot about the coffee pot and left it on all day. I didn’t have a coffee maker with an auto shut-off back then, so when I finally noticed it, the entire pot of coffee had been reduced to a layer of coffee-tar. It was kind of fascinating—black and chewy-looking. I sniffed it, just out of curiosity, and I think it gave me a little bit of a caffeine buzz.  That’s when it hit me that this might be one of the best discoveries ever. … [Read more...]

Opinions. I have them. Oh, how I have them. Loud ones and high ones. Colorful and wry ones. I try to make sure I come up with three or four good opinions to have on standby—just in case somebody asks for one. I’m not at all talking about “informed” opinions. Those are in an entirely different category. Informed opinions require research and contemplation. Reason and thinky stuff. Probably charts and graphs. That sounds like work. Plus, if you get too informed on a topic, seems to me you no … [Read more...]

“You’re going to cover that, right?” Standard microwave-operating question. It’s actually more command than question. And I don’t think the answer should ever be “no.” Especially if it’s a lasagna reheat. Heating uncovered lasagna in the microwave leaves a tiny-little murder scene. Still, through the years—more than once, even—I’ve heard one of my family members answer something like, “It’s fine. I’m only heating it for a few seconds.” I picture myself stringing tiny crime scene tape. So … [Read more...]

Is putting my vitamins in baggies and keeping them in my computer bag a healthy use of my devices? I figure if I’m constantly reaching for a phone or a computer and those vitamins are in there, I’ll remember to take them, right? But is there a vitamin I can put in that bag—an essential oil somewhere, maybe?—that will help me remember to actually swallow those vitamins? Or even better, how about a pill to prevent me from searching for my phone while I’m holding it? Not that I ever do that. … [Read more...]

I was readying for a marathon Christmas shopping session when I suddenly felt noticeably…list-less. Not tired or disinterested or anything like that. Not listless. List-less. As in, we were into December and I hadn’t made the Christmas list. Hadn’t checked it once, much less twice. What was I thinking? That list is usually taking over my life by early November, sassing me and hounding me and pitilessly bossing me around. A pushy little monster, that list. Every time I’d sit down to … [Read more...]