I’m about to set you a little free. Get ready. Here it is: That drawer with all the random cords? You can let that whole thing go. The whole drawer-full. Do you even still have the devices, appliances, and various machineries that go with those cords? I didn’t think so. If you happened to actually need one of them, you know what you’d do. You would search on the internet, not in the drawer. You would order a new one, right? Most of us would do just about anything to not have to sort … [Read more...]

Anyone smell a sweet fall blustery-breezing its way in yet? Little hint, it’ll smell a lot like pumpkin spice. I love the signs and smells of a new season. When it comes to seasons, people can get a little weird about some parts. I once met a lady who only drank coffee in the winter. I want to tell her (with entirely too much blustering on my part) that it’s a cup of coffee. Not a wool scarf. Coffee is not a “white shoes after Labor Day” kind of thing. Which I’ve heard is also no longer … [Read more...]

Did you ever put a hot pan under cold water in the sink and suddenly feel like you could shoe a horse? Or maybe press a dress shirt to crispy professional perfection? Or at least make a nice cappuccino? Even before you get to the coffee (or shirt-pressing, or any and all black-smithery), a lot happens in a steam. When I find that one last dirty spoon and the dishwasher is already running, for instance, I open the dishwasher door and…instant facial. It’s especially interesting when I’m … [Read more...]

Sometimes I worry about me. The other day I accidentally stepped on my computer bag and then apologized to it because I thought it was my dog. Then I laughed and explained to it, “Oh, I thought you were the dog.” I explained to it. My bag and I had a moment, ya’ll. I should worry a little, right? Worry tends to sneak up on me now and then anyway. I’m amused at how sincere I am when I smile and toss out a casual “Either way, no worries” to a friend. I truly don’t want that friend to … [Read more...]

Trip and fall in front of your friends? Anytime that happens, the best thing to do is to just bounce right back up and keep on going. To the airport. Then leave the country. Maybe change your name. It’s not easy to save face after one of those inelegant face-plants. Been there, planted that. I think I once accidentally ate a little dirt. The last time I took a tumble there was no dirt-eating, but I think I do remember the faint taste of carpet. It was in a busy hallway at church. … [Read more...]

If you’re taking my blood pressure and you tell me to “breathe normally,” I hope you’ll understand when suddenly I can do anything but that. I could breathe normally until you told me to. It’s not rebellion. It’s more…psychosis, I guess. I might also subsequently be asking questions like, “Are you sure there’s enough oxygen in this room for the both of us?” and “Is it hot in here to you?” Maybe even “How normal is it to entirely forget how to breathe?” Further, can a person forget how … [Read more...]

Have you ever had one of those world-tipping inner ear malfunctions? It’s about the worst kind of imbalance. It started small when it happened to me. My body kept trying to lean to one side. I felt like a leaning table at an old diner—like any minute somebody might come up behind me and try to stick a couple of sugar packets under my left foot. Then, as inner-ear disorders tend to do, the thing accelerated and suddenly the world was very…how can I describe it? Very “Star Ship Enterprise.” … [Read more...]

Have you ever counted the number of times in a week you talked about how tired you are? Like a weekly “I’m so tired” tally? It’s almost like it’s a competition. A no-way-you-could-be-as-tired-as-I-am contest. Always an ugh of a pyrrhic victory, that. Last week I was just sure I’d used up all the tired. My tired. Your tired. All the tireds. My tired was even tired of being tired. It was the kind of tired that feels really close to melting. Does that ever happen to you? When you feel … [Read more...]

I’ve always loved writing in coffee shops. It feels sort of like the atmosphere is…literary. Somehow. Plus the actual atmosphere. The air itself. Oh, that magnificent smell of coffee. I’m pretty sure the aroma alone caffeinates a writer’s brain and gets all the neurons a-firing. A friend gave me a coffee shop scratch-and-sniff bookmark once. No big surprise, it wasn’t the same. So at the most daunting deadlines—and especially when I’ve waited until the last-lastest of all the last-last … [Read more...]

“Lather, rinse, repeat.” If we actually follow the shampoo instructions to the letter, won’t we end up in a shower time-loop of some sort? Forever and ever pruny? I looked up some of the other more “out there” directions and found a can of spray paint with the warning label, “Do not spray in your face.” Well, well. Just when I thought I’d found a new makeup regimen. I found the perfect blow dryer instructions too. “Do not use while sleeping.” Um. Who’s doing that? Who? Also how? Granted, … [Read more...]

I can carry all those plastic bags. I’m sure of it. It required most of an entire cart to get them from the store to the car, but from the car to the house? My two skinny arms should work just fine, thanks. Those bags are going to leave marks across my hands and the backs of my skinny forearms, and those marks will last three days, but that’s fine. Because I will carry them. All. I can ignore the fact that my scrawny biceps are burning like a thousand suns because I’ve made it to the … [Read more...]