I was readying for a marathon Christmas shopping session when I suddenly felt noticeably…list-less. Not tired or disinterested or anything like that. Not listless. List-less. As in, we were into December and I hadn’t made the Christmas list. Hadn’t checked it once, much less twice. What was I thinking? That list is usually taking over my life by early November, sassing me and hounding me and pitilessly bossing me around. A pushy little monster, that list. Every time I’d sit down to … [Read more...]

The crumb tray. On a toaster. That’s a real thing. I was having breakfast with my daughter Kaley and caught a whiff of burnt toast. When we checked, though, the toast was fine. The rest of the conversation went like this. Me: I’ll bet you just need to empty the crumb tray. Kaley: The….what? Me: The crumb-catcher thing. You know. That pull-out tray that catches the breadcrumbs. It took me a couple of minutes to convince her that I wasn’t making it up. And you can guess how I … [Read more...]

I don’t know why we’re always making things a lot more complicated than we need to, but repairs shouldn’t be rocket science. Unless you’re repairing rockets. But for everything else it’s a lot simpler than we tend to make it. According to my grandfather, if it’s mechanical, you fix it with duct tape or  WD-40. In extreme cases, both. According to my grandmother, if it’s biological, sometimes you fix it with Vicks. Sometimes Camphophenique. In extreme cases, both. According to me, everything … [Read more...]

List-maker, list-maker, make me a list. But wait, make it for someone else, not me. Because I already have eight thousand lists of my own, thanks. A family member told me the other day that my stacks upon stacks of lists make me look like an organized person. Then we laughed and laughed. Because we both know me. I don’t make all these lists because I’m organized. I make them because I’m not. Those who know me know I make lists and lists, and lists of lists. In list form. How do I love my … [Read more...]

A lizard. In the house. On the bed. I was housesitting for some friends when I was younger. I must not be all that good at housesitting, because there he was. A creepy-looking, scaly invader. How could I let it happen? I confess, my initial response was sheer panic. Then for a split second, I found myself thinking about how to save 15% or more on car insurance. But then back to panic. Personal statement of fact regarding how we (I) group living creatures: herd of cows, school of fish, … [Read more...]

What do you do when you have a pen that won’t write? You sling it a few times in that stabbing motion, right? Hoping gravity will somehow jar the ink loose? Seriously, has that ever worked for anybody? After that, of course, you scribble. Then you scribble bigger and faster. You scribble hard and long. Then you scribble harder and longer. You scribble until you’ve scribbled a hole right through the paper. Then you stab the paper a few more times. That’s when you throw the pen. You then … [Read more...]

Has it happened to you? You get that one greeting card with glitter on it—that one card—and next thing you know, your entire living room is a sparkle-palooza. Granted, I’m the kind of person who enjoys a good sparkle. Shiny makes me happy. But when I got one of those sparkly cards the other day, there was a sudden, panicked realization that there was more glitter in my living room than was ever on that card. I tried to brush it off, but it refused to be brushed. I vacuumed it. Then … [Read more...]

Back when I had to take all five of my kids shopping? I’m not going to lie. Some of those trips were…challenging. Not only did I have to try to check off all the items on my list, but I had to try to keep any and all other merchandise undamaged and in its original spot. Sometimes when you’re trying to keep five kids together in a grocery store, it feels like trying to coral baby hummingbirds. Plus I had to leave the store with the same number of hummingbirds I came in with. Preferably all … [Read more...]

Has it ever happened to you? You’re out shopping and find a great outfit. On the hanger? Perfection. But in the dressing room? Oh my. You see it from an entirely different angle. I’m not sure how to say it, but it seems in recent years, my angles have swerved in a not-so-good direction. Dis-angular. Is that a thing? Is fish-tailing something that can happen to body angles? I was so disconcerted after my last trip to the dressing room that I came home and accidentally wrote a poem. I think … [Read more...]

It takes focus to meet a writing deadline. And yet, this morning? My testimony: Me: Hey self, you really should be working on those eight crazy-pressing, freaky-close, time-to-panic deadlines. My brain: Yeah but how ‘bout we put up a weird status on Facebook and have a snack instead? Me: Okay well I guess you know best. So yes, it’s true that focus is not my best thing. I found a piece of bread in the toaster this morning. I put it in there yesterday. At least I hope it was yesterday. … [Read more...]

I’m pretty sure my husband thinks that a clean furnace filter is the cure for about any ailment. When our kids were growing up, if we heard so much as a sneeze in our house, he would disappear into the basement and he wouldn’t come up until there was a new filter in that furnace—protecting/guarding his family. He beat himself up for weeks when our kids had Chicken Pox. That surely had to be some sort of furnace-filter-failure. I think I remember that, back in those days, there was almost a … [Read more...]

My family. We’re all pretty much just a big bunch of losers. No, not like that. I mean more like: “Hey, have you seen my phone?” “Guys, where in the world are my keys?” “Anybody got an extra pen because I can’t find mine?” “Do you see my glasses anywhere in here?” “Wasn’t I wearing a coat when I came in?” We’re forever setting something down and walking off like we’re never going to need it again. Here’s a favorite one of mine: “This is a very big parking lot, I was only in the store for … [Read more...]