I need a day-over. I mean a do-over. A day-do-over. Yes, that’s it. Last week I had a day that fell smack-dab into the dreaded category of “one of those.” You’ve had them, right? Like when you wake up late, and after already having a rough start, your coffeemaker leaks everywhere, then dies. It’s like a little coffee murder scene. You end up with no coffeemaker. And death coffee. Then you can’t find your keys. And then when you get to work, your candy bar gets stuck in the machine. Then … [Read more...]
Wake up to your choices
Have we reached the limit for the number of coffee creamer flavors one culture is allowed to have? Because I feel like we must be just about there. I start to wonder if the market – or the dairy case – can hold even one more. And then the holidays hit. That’s when they drag in another couple of dairy cases. Have you seen some of these flavors? There’s one for just about any cookie you can name. Sugar cookie, snickerdoodle, gingerbread—no cookie left behind. Then they add to those every … [Read more...]
Playing thanks games
Don’t you just love a food-covered holiday table about as big as a football field? You’re juggling several buttered rolls and a plate full of tasty side dishes while you’re trying to score some major turkey. It’s a big play. You’ve got to scramble to hit the turkey before all those ravenous relatives leave you stuck with only dark meat. First down and gravy to go. It’s especially great to have lots of relatives over for a holiday dinner (any “who-gets-the-drumstick” issues aside) because … [Read more...]
You snooze, you … rest
When people say you should dress for the life you want, my inner self tells me to put on jammies. I think my inner self is a little tired. I’ve also considered the possibility that my inner self is at least a little bit cat. Naps. Glorious, naps. But while that midday nap is famously fabulous, could I complain a minute about the wakeup? I’m gunna just rest my eyes. That’s how it starts. Next thing I know, only one of those eyes will reopen and I don’t know if it’s morning or…Thursday. I … [Read more...]
Defrosting a prayer life
I wonder how many times I’ve given up on trying to decide what to have for lunch and resignedly pulled out the peanut butter. Or before I can even pull out the peanut butter, I find that last, half-eaten donut. Goodbye, dignity. Hello, lunch. Pray for me because it happens at dinner too. It’s rather sad that I sometimes can’t even be bothered to thaw out a lasagna. Maybe someone should invent a lasagna popsicle. Lasagnasicle? Not sure why that sounds gross, but ew. What if it was more of … [Read more...]
Got a lot on your plate?
Buffet strategies. I have them. Mostly they fail, but I have them. Stratagem one: load up the plate on the first go-round so I don’t have to go back. But guess what. I always have to go back. It’s a buffet. The beauty of the buffet is that you get to go back. Again. And then again. And then, two belt-notches later, again. Don’t we all feel compelled to eat our money’s worth? So: one more time again. And again. One plate? That’s an illusion. So from here on out, I don’t even bother … [Read more...]
Sweet smell of victory
“Smell this.” I’m trying to remember even one time in my life when I’ve been given that command and it’s turned out to be a pleasant experience. Surely there’s been one time. But the times that immediately pop to mind are the ones when someone has held out a container of chunky milk. Or when someone has come across questionable socks that have fallen between the clean pile of laundry and the dirty one. Having raised five kids, I can tell you there were way too many times people in my … [Read more...]
The pronouncedly pronounced way
Sometimes I like to use words I don’t altogether understand. It’s so I can sound smarter. And perspicacious, sagacious, and astutaquacious. Yes, I did make up that last one—hoping it would make me sound even astutaquaciouser. I admit, it does get embarrassing when I mispronounce a word I made up. You know what really frustrates me though, linguistically speaking? People getting fuss-strated instead of frustrated. Equally frus-fuss-strating, the word “acai.” Ironically, I’m not so much … [Read more...]
Keeping an eye on our focus
Lash down. I repeat, we have a lash down. This is not a drill. Go to DEFCON 2. I was at a conference, just stepping up to the mic. Two seconds in, and wouldn’t you know it, one fake lash goes down. All weekend long, those lashes had been working perfectly. But up to the mic and…flop. It didn’t flop into my eye; at least there was that. But it flopped over it. So it was like looking through little prison bars. Lash-jail. I had to laugh. We all did. Turns out my eyelashes stole the show. … [Read more...]
Sounding the alarm
I’m all kinds of thankful that alarm clocks have come a long way. And by “come a long way,” I mean we hardly use them anymore. We now have phones to awaken us with our favorite song. Or a verse, a mantra, a cheer. Or with church bells. Or with hot coffee. Well probably not that last one. Yet. Waiting for an app for that. I’m hoping it’ll have a bacon feature. Waking up to those alarm clocks of yester-year was the equivalent of waking up to a tornado siren. If your alarm didn’t send you … [Read more...]
Thrilled to the max
Not going to lie, I like shopping. A lot. There’s a real charge in the thrill of the hunt for that illusive bargain. Okay, I’ll admit I laughed at myself when I said there’s a real “charge” there. Shopping humor. The kind of humor my husband might not find as entertaining as I do. Because he pays the bills, yes, but also because he despises shopping. De-SPIZE-es it. He once told me he’s pretty convinced that every time he goes shopping, it actually takes years off his life. He said he … [Read more...]
Take courage by the load
Sort it. Wash it. Fold it. Hang it. Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it, repeat it…infinitum. Statistics suggest we spend 40 minutes or so per day on laundry-related tasks. And I don’t have extra stats to back this up, but I’d estimate you add about three more hours per day per child. I raised a big bunch of kids, so go ahead and ask me how much I know about the infinity that is laundry. Because I know loads about it. Loads and loads. Of all the lovely feelings, knowing you washed that last … [Read more...]
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