Infomercials almost always worked at my house. When we were raising our five kids, I’m not sure a week went by without one of them running to me with some version of: “Mom! We have to get the Kitchen Magic Missile! It does the work of 25 kitchen tools!” I got such a kick out of the times one or another of my children could deliver the entire pitch in full-on sales voice. “It’ll make a smoothie. And it slices and dices. And who’s Julie Ann?” In all fairness, I didn’t know what “julienne” … [Read more...]

I’m a people person. To the extreme. So extreme that I’m often that seriously annoying kind of people-people-people-y person. That one. That’s me. Every time someone tells me that it takes a village, it doesn’t even matter much what we want the village to do, I come back with an enthusiastic, “Yes! Bring me that village! And all the surrounding villages. Tell the villagers to bring potato chips! I’ll take folks from three or four villages over. And their finger foods. Village-fest at my … [Read more...]

I was tempted to give somebody a piece of my mind the other day. Really tempted. And then I thought, Know what? I can’t spare it. I have no spare mind-parts. No surplus of brain cells here. Why would I give even one away? I need the pieces of my mind. All of them. It’s mindboggling though, how some people seem to know exactly how to find our anger buttons. And then they also know how to push them. Stomp on them. Jump up and down on that anger button like it’s just the most mad-fun … [Read more...]

I’ll just crawl under the pew now, thanks. Has it happened to you? Right at the pastor’s most dramatically silent pause: your hideously loud stomach-growl. I say growl, but remember those old movies when Tarzan yodel-yelled and in response elephants stampeded? That. You put your hand over your stomach—like that’s going to muffle anything. Then the thought dawns that if there was one wolf-howling-at-the-moon growl, there will likely be more. That’s when you try to bargain with your … [Read more...]

I confess I don’t have the greenest thumb on the block. As a matter of fact, I was thinking it might be easier to just give up on all other greenery and grow a poison ivy garden instead. Except that at this point I’d have to start from scratch. Scratch? Get it? Anyway, I decided it would probably be better not do anything that “rash.” That’s because we really do have to be careful what we plant. We will reap what we sow. It’s right there in Galatians 6:7. And according to the verse that … [Read more...]

Have you ever been tagged—maybe trapped—in a group text? You’re begging your phone. Please, not one more notification. And your phone answers with: zzzzzt. Even worse, you go to bed early while the other 30 in your group have a night owl session. Get up the next morning, get your coffee, and get comfy. I know it’s your day off, but turn off that show you wanted to watch and don’t even think about reading a book. Because you have four thousand messages. I’m sorry, but I’ve got news for … [Read more...]

My thighs as I’m trying on size 4 jeans: “What year do you think this is?” Me, groaning and straining: “All I had for lunch was a baked potato.” Thighs: “With six pats of butter and about a quarter pound of bacon on it, right?” Me, still groaning and straining—possibly crying a little: “Small potato! So stop asking questions and get…[groan]…in…[gasp]…there.” Hips and belly: “Excuse us. We also have questions.” While we’re questioning—and sort of questioning bacon—Francis Bacon said, “A … [Read more...]

Distances, depths—I confess it, I just can’t judge them. I think I go a little mental. Judge-mental, maybe? There’s a shelf in the deepest part of our garage. I know the car is in far enough when the WD40 crashes onto the hood. That’s when I think, “Okay. Perfect.” Of course, “perfect” to me looks more like hail damage to my husband. When it comes to judgment, distance from bumper to shelf is one thing. People? They’re another. Sometimes we’re labeled judgmental by others when we call … [Read more...]

Big things come in small packages. I think the person who said that sat beside me in my high school geometry class. And even though I was really bad at geometry, I would never copy off that guy’s paper. Because that would be very wrong, yes. But also because the answer would also likely be very wrong. Let’s be real. As much as I tried, I could never make myself care what “Y” equaled. Congruently (see what I did there?), I don’t care what size the package is. Just as long as the package is … [Read more...]

Forget all those personality tests. Never mind the character studies. If you want insights into your own psyche, try the dishwasher. It’s a handy-dandy machine that can reveal what you’re really made of. All you have to do is follow these simple operating instructions:  1) Leave dishwasher door open. 2) Unwittingly apply shin forcefully to side of the open door. 3) Repeat as needed. There’s your temperament analysis. A few years ago there was a week or two when our dishwasher door wouldn’t … [Read more...]