Why is it when someone compliments me on what I’m wearing, I’m uncontrollably compelled to offer at least one piece of trivia about it? “Thanks, I found it on clearance for $14.99 at that little shop on Main.” “Thanks, it’s got pockets!” “Thanks, I almost didn’t wear it because it’s dry-clean-only and I want pizza.” No one wants those details. It was a compliment, not a summons to testify in federal court. Yet I’m bound by some weird, irresistible law of the compliment/trivia … [Read more...]

I remember when I was a young night owl, poking merciless fun at any and all of the early birds in my life. What did they even get out of early-birding? Worms? I’ll take the extra sleep, thanks. Then I became an adult, and guess what happened. Nope, not that. Because, still not an early bird. But in a strange irony, not a night owl either. Present-day me would like a flock in the middle. Isn’t there a medium rare bird? Wait no, that sounds like a terrible idea. But instead of an early bird … [Read more...]

Someone called me Super Woman the other day, and I received it. Practically caped it. It was completely undeserved and the cape altogether ill-fitting, and still: received it. Just so’s you know though, anytime I’m acting like I have everything all together, feel free to remind me that sometimes I still sing the song to find my way to the book of Ezra (she said, trying to smooth out the cape-wrinkles). I wonder if I’ve always been this…this…what’s the word? “Layered” maybe? Public me. … [Read more...]

Presents, presents, presents! Big, little, in-between—gimme all ‘dem presents! Yes, I’m that person. I openly tell people I’m that person, and I’m not even sorry about it. Know why? Because I get all the presents, and I love presents. You know those friends who “don’t really want a gift” around Christmas? I feel like those people don’t get me at all. And whether they get me or not, they highly disapprove of me and my present-want-y ways. They’re mostly justified and completely right to … [Read more...]

I’m about to set you a little free. Get ready. Here it is: That drawer with all the random cords? You can let that whole thing go. The whole drawer-full. Do you even still have the devices, appliances, and various machineries that go with those cords? I didn’t think so. If you happened to actually need one of them, you know what you’d do. You would search on the internet, not in the drawer. You would order a new one, right? Most of us would do just about anything to not have to sort … [Read more...]

Anyone smell a sweet fall blustery-breezing its way in yet? Little hint, it’ll smell a lot like pumpkin spice. I love the signs and smells of a new season. When it comes to seasons, people can get a little weird about some parts. I once met a lady who only drank coffee in the winter. I want to tell her (with entirely too much blustering on my part) that it’s a cup of coffee. Not a wool scarf. Coffee is not a “white shoes after Labor Day” kind of thing. Which I’ve heard is also no longer … [Read more...]

Did you ever put a hot pan under cold water in the sink and suddenly feel like you could shoe a horse? Or maybe press a dress shirt to crispy professional perfection? Or at least make a nice cappuccino? Even before you get to the coffee (or shirt-pressing, or any and all black-smithery), a lot happens in a steam. When I find that one last dirty spoon and the dishwasher is already running, for instance, I open the dishwasher door and…instant facial. It’s especially interesting when I’m … [Read more...]

Sometimes I worry about me. The other day I accidentally stepped on my computer bag and then apologized to it because I thought it was my dog. Then I laughed and explained to it, “Oh, I thought you were the dog.” I explained to it. My bag and I had a moment, ya’ll. I should worry a little, right? Worry tends to sneak up on me now and then anyway. I’m amused at how sincere I am when I smile and toss out a casual “Either way, no worries” to a friend. I truly don’t want that friend to … [Read more...]

Trip and fall in front of your friends? Anytime that happens, the best thing to do is to just bounce right back up and keep on going. To the airport. Then leave the country. Maybe change your name. It’s not easy to save face after one of those inelegant face-plants. Been there, planted that. I think I once accidentally ate a little dirt. The last time I took a tumble there was no dirt-eating, but I think I do remember the faint taste of carpet. It was in a busy hallway at church. … [Read more...]

If you’re taking my blood pressure and you tell me to “breathe normally,” I hope you’ll understand when suddenly I can do anything but that. I could breathe normally until you told me to. It’s not rebellion. It’s more…psychosis, I guess. I might also subsequently be asking questions like, “Are you sure there’s enough oxygen in this room for the both of us?” and “Is it hot in here to you?” Maybe even “How normal is it to entirely forget how to breathe?” Further, can a person forget how … [Read more...]

Have you ever had one of those world-tipping inner ear malfunctions? It’s about the worst kind of imbalance. It started small when it happened to me. My body kept trying to lean to one side. I felt like a leaning table at an old diner—like any minute somebody might come up behind me and try to stick a couple of sugar packets under my left foot. Then, as inner-ear disorders tend to do, the thing accelerated and suddenly the world was very…how can I describe it? Very “Star Ship Enterprise.” … [Read more...]