I accidentally made a wondrous discovery a few years ago. I forgot about the coffee pot and left it on all day. I didn’t have a coffee maker with an auto shut-off back then, so when I finally noticed it, the entire pot of coffee had been reduced to a layer of coffee-tar. It was kind of fascinating—black and chewy-looking. I sniffed it, just out of curiosity, and I think it gave me a little bit of a caffeine buzz.  That’s when it hit me that this might be one of the best discoveries ever. … [Read more...]

Opinions. I have them. Oh, how I have them. Loud ones and high ones. Colorful and wry ones. I try to make sure I come up with three or four good opinions to have on standby—just in case somebody asks for one. I’m not at all talking about “informed” opinions. Those are in an entirely different category. Informed opinions require research and contemplation. Reason and thinky stuff. Probably charts and graphs. That sounds like work. Plus, if you get too informed on a topic, seems to me you no … [Read more...]

“You’re going to cover that, right?” Standard microwave-operating question. It’s actually more command than question. And I don’t think the answer should ever be “no.” Especially if it’s a lasagna reheat. Heating uncovered lasagna in the microwave leaves a tiny-little murder scene. Still, through the years—more than once, even—I’ve heard one of my family members answer something like, “It’s fine. I’m only heating it for a few seconds.” I picture myself stringing tiny crime scene tape. So … [Read more...]

Is putting my vitamins in baggies and keeping them in my computer bag a healthy use of my devices? I figure if I’m constantly reaching for a phone or a computer and those vitamins are in there, I’ll remember to take them, right? But is there a vitamin I can put in that bag—an essential oil somewhere, maybe?—that will help me remember to actually swallow those vitamins? Or even better, how about a pill to prevent me from searching for my phone while I’m holding it? Not that I ever do that. … [Read more...]

I was readying for a marathon Christmas shopping session when I suddenly felt noticeably…list-less. Not tired or disinterested or anything like that. Not listless. List-less. As in, we were into December and I hadn’t made the Christmas list. Hadn’t checked it once, much less twice. What was I thinking? That list is usually taking over my life by early November, sassing me and hounding me and pitilessly bossing me around. A pushy little monster, that list. Every time I’d sit down to … [Read more...]

The crumb tray. On a toaster. That’s a real thing. I was having breakfast with my daughter Kaley and caught a whiff of burnt toast. When we checked, though, the toast was fine. The rest of the conversation went like this. Me: I’ll bet you just need to empty the crumb tray. Kaley: The….what? Me: The crumb-catcher thing. You know. That pull-out tray that catches the breadcrumbs. It took me a couple of minutes to convince her that I wasn’t making it up. And you can guess how I … [Read more...]

I don’t know why we’re always making things a lot more complicated than we need to, but repairs shouldn’t be rocket science. Unless you’re repairing rockets. But for everything else it’s a lot simpler than we tend to make it. According to my grandfather, if it’s mechanical, you fix it with duct tape or  WD-40. In extreme cases, both. According to my grandmother, if it’s biological, sometimes you fix it with Vicks. Sometimes Camphophenique. In extreme cases, both. According to me, everything … [Read more...]

List-maker, list-maker, make me a list. But wait, make it for someone else, not me. Because I already have eight thousand lists of my own, thanks. A family member told me the other day that my stacks upon stacks of lists make me look like an organized person. Then we laughed and laughed. Because we both know me. I don’t make all these lists because I’m organized. I make them because I’m not. Those who know me know I make lists and lists, and lists of lists. In list form. How do I love my … [Read more...]

A lizard. In the house. On the bed. I was housesitting for some friends when I was younger. I must not be all that good at housesitting, because there he was. A creepy-looking, scaly invader. How could I let it happen? I confess, my initial response was sheer panic. Then for a split second, I found myself thinking about how to save 15% or more on car insurance. But then back to panic. Personal statement of fact regarding how we (I) group living creatures: herd of cows, school of fish, … [Read more...]

What do you do when you have a pen that won’t write? You sling it a few times in that stabbing motion, right? Hoping gravity will somehow jar the ink loose? Seriously, has that ever worked for anybody? After that, of course, you scribble. Then you scribble bigger and faster. You scribble hard and long. Then you scribble harder and longer. You scribble until you’ve scribbled a hole right through the paper. Then you stab the paper a few more times. That’s when you throw the pen. You then … [Read more...]

Has it happened to you? You get that one greeting card with glitter on it—that one card—and next thing you know, your entire living room is a sparkle-palooza. Granted, I’m the kind of person who enjoys a good sparkle. Shiny makes me happy. But when I got one of those sparkly cards the other day, there was a sudden, panicked realization that there was more glitter in my living room than was ever on that card. I tried to brush it off, but it refused to be brushed. I vacuumed it. Then … [Read more...]