I will not tell you how many emails are currently sitting in my inbox so don’t even ask me. Don’t even try to guess. I’m a wimp when it comes to deleting. It’s too embarrassing and I simply, wimply won’t tell you how many are in there. I’m probably considered an e-hoarder though. If you suggest therapies, I won’t refuse to look into them. Just zip me an email. Or 13,000. In all fairness, the messages are not urgent, even the ones marked urgent. Even the ones marked URGENT in all caps. … [Read more...]

When you’re having trouble sleeping, why is it you can turn over and forget what to do with your arms? Like they’re just in a tangle and you’re thinking things like, “Wait, that arm doesn’t go there,” and “That one doesn’t bend that direction,” and “Did I have arms when I went to bed?” Arms akimbo, feeling like just a big ol’ jumble of uncomfortably awkward "limbage." Not to be all up in arms about it, but I’m up. And I have all these arms. A friend said I should just forget about it and … [Read more...]

My husband has this baffling ability to say goodnight and then go to sleep. Just like that. Right to sleep. Practically on demand. Does anyone else feel like he has some explaining to do? What is this superpower? What kind of surgery would I need to have to get it? Furthermore, how is he able to work all his overthinking into his schedule? What, he covers it all during the day? That seems impractical. The other night I found myself lying awake, wondering what someone thought about … [Read more...]

Sometimes I think no one can child like I can child. It’s entirely possible I can child better than an actual child. Don’t get me wrong. I brush my teeth and rarely jump in mud puddles (though that last one is more about my shoes than my maturity). I can slurp spaghetti without even being dared to. Upbeat praise music in the room? I’m going to dance like a four-year-old. (The dancing is very happy but altogether unskilled and possibly a little disturbing.) Bubble wrap? I’m going to pop … [Read more...]

Why is it when someone compliments me on what I’m wearing, I’m uncontrollably compelled to offer at least one piece of trivia about it? “Thanks, I found it on clearance for $14.99 at that little shop on Main.” “Thanks, it’s got pockets!” “Thanks, I almost didn’t wear it because it’s dry-clean-only and I want pizza.” No one wants those details. It was a compliment, not a summons to testify in federal court. Yet I’m bound by some weird, irresistible law of the compliment/trivia … [Read more...]

I remember when I was a young night owl, poking merciless fun at any and all of the early birds in my life. What did they even get out of early-birding? Worms? I’ll take the extra sleep, thanks. Then I became an adult, and guess what happened. Nope, not that. Because, still not an early bird. But in a strange irony, not a night owl either. Present-day me would like a flock in the middle. Isn’t there a medium rare bird? Wait no, that sounds like a terrible idea. But instead of an early bird … [Read more...]

Someone called me Super Woman the other day, and I received it. Practically caped it. It was completely undeserved and the cape altogether ill-fitting, and still: received it. Just so’s you know though, anytime I’m acting like I have everything all together, feel free to remind me that sometimes I still sing the song to find my way to the book of Ezra (she said, trying to smooth out the cape-wrinkles). I wonder if I’ve always been this…this…what’s the word? “Layered” maybe? Public me. … [Read more...]

Presents, presents, presents! Big, little, in-between—gimme all ‘dem presents! Yes, I’m that person. I openly tell people I’m that person, and I’m not even sorry about it. Know why? Because I get all the presents, and I love presents. You know those friends who “don’t really want a gift” around Christmas? I feel like those people don’t get me at all. And whether they get me or not, they highly disapprove of me and my present-want-y ways. They’re mostly justified and completely right to … [Read more...]

I’m about to set you a little free. Get ready. Here it is: That drawer with all the random cords? You can let that whole thing go. The whole drawer-full. Do you even still have the devices, appliances, and various machineries that go with those cords? I didn’t think so. If you happened to actually need one of them, you know what you’d do. You would search on the internet, not in the drawer. You would order a new one, right? Most of us would do just about anything to not have to sort … [Read more...]

Anyone smell a sweet fall blustery-breezing its way in yet? Little hint, it’ll smell a lot like pumpkin spice. I love the signs and smells of a new season. When it comes to seasons, people can get a little weird about some parts. I once met a lady who only drank coffee in the winter. I want to tell her (with entirely too much blustering on my part) that it’s a cup of coffee. Not a wool scarf. Coffee is not a “white shoes after Labor Day” kind of thing. Which I’ve heard is also no longer … [Read more...]

Did you ever put a hot pan under cold water in the sink and suddenly feel like you could shoe a horse? Or maybe press a dress shirt to crispy professional perfection? Or at least make a nice cappuccino? Even before you get to the coffee (or shirt-pressing, or any and all black-smithery), a lot happens in a steam. When I find that one last dirty spoon and the dishwasher is already running, for instance, I open the dishwasher door and…instant facial. It’s especially interesting when I’m … [Read more...]