Buffet strategies. I have them. Mostly they fail, but I have them. Stratagem one: load up the plate on the first go-round so I don’t have to go back. But guess what. I always have to go back. It’s a buffet. The beauty of the buffet is that you get to go back. Again. And then again. And then, two belt-notches later, again. Don’t we all feel compelled to eat our money’s worth? So: one more time again. And again. One plate? That’s an illusion. So from here on out, I don’t even bother … [Read more...]

Sometimes I like to use words I don’t altogether understand. It’s so I can sound smarter. And perspicacious, sagacious, and astutaquacious. Yes, I did make up that last one—hoping it would make me sound even astutaquaciouser. I admit, it does get embarrassing when I mispronounce a word I made up. You know what really frustrates me though, linguistically speaking? People getting fuss-strated instead of frustrated. Equally frus-fuss-strating, the word “acai.” Ironically, I’m not so much … [Read more...]

I’m all kinds of thankful that alarm clocks have come a long way. And by “come a long way,” I mean we hardly use them anymore. We now have phones to awaken us with our favorite song. Or a verse, a mantra, a cheer. Or with church bells. Or with hot coffee. Well probably not that last one. Yet. Waiting for an app for that. I’m hoping it’ll have a bacon feature. Waking up to those alarm clocks of yester-year was the equivalent of waking up to a tornado siren. If your alarm didn’t send you … [Read more...]

Sort it. Wash it. Fold it. Hang it. Repeat it, repeat it, repeat it, repeat it…infinitum. Statistics suggest we spend 40 minutes or so per day on laundry-related tasks. And I don’t have extra stats to back this up, but I’d estimate you add about three more hours per day per child. I raised a big bunch of kids, so go ahead and ask me how much I know about the infinity that is laundry. Because I know loads about it. Loads and loads. Of all the lovely feelings, knowing you washed that last … [Read more...]

“You know what it is, right?” It was years ago when my son handed me his drawing and asked me that question. And may I say, I handled it like a real pro. Actually no. I may not say that. Because I froze. Froze like a total mom-sicle. I couldn’t lie. But what kind of mom-monster crushes her little boy’s artist heart? Got. To. Figure. Out. What. This. Is. Nervous smile. Then, “Um, heh heh, well that part is definitely a Christmas tree.” That much had to be right. I knew I’d have to wildly … [Read more...]

Have you ever opened your microwave to reheat a cup of coffee, only to find you really don’t want to put it in there? It’s like the ghosts of dinners past haunt that little space from all sides. And don’t even get me started on the spaghetti sauce stalactites hanging from the top. At least I hope it’s spaghetti sauce. Because otherwise, what I found inside my microwave a few days ago was a tiny little murder scene. A murder scene is even worse than a haunting. Also guess who didn’t put her … [Read more...]

Do you ever hear somebody say, “to make a long story short,” and you suddenly understand you’ll probably need to cancel your plans for the rest of the day? I realize I’m not one to poke fun at long stories or the people who tell them. Because this gal? Yeah, I often refer to myself as “over-word-ly.” Ironically, there are some of us on the “over” side of “wordly” who can still find it rough to listen to any monologue longer than three minutes. Especially if there are no visual aids. If … [Read more...]

I feel you should know that if you hand me a tennis racket, it’s already a pretend guitar. And though I’m not a hard-rocker, my pretend guitar only plays imaginary hard rock. No matter how incongruent that looks on me, I will play it. With eyes-closed and unmerited confidence. I won’t play tennis, mind you. But I have no choice but to rock that racketar like I’ve never in my life been a mature adult. It’s sort of a visual joke. And yes, I do know the joke doesn’t totally work. But somehow … [Read more...]