I was watching the cat wildly chase a laser dot the other day and I thought, Wow, if that red dot was a Butterfinger that could totally be me. Those wild moments are the times I think Sammy could be the poster animal for the cat version of ADHD. It’s weird because that poster cat is the same cat who can also be extremely focused. Any and every new item we bring into the house has to endure a thorough and focused Sammy-sniffing. Personally, I think that’s when he’s trying to determine … [Read more...]
Out with venom, in with honey
Every time I’m reading something and find someone has misused words, I literally have a cow. (Literally? See what I did there?) Of course, I know it’s hypocritical of me to have any kind of “beef” over someone else’s word blunders (and yes, I’ll try ease up on the cow quips—moo-ving on). Personally, I’ve discovered the best way to proofread something is to click “send” first. Only then are you completely free to see the big, fat, glaring mistake. With the last book manuscript I sent in, … [Read more...]
Off the shelf, by the book
My favorite part of dusting the bookshelves in my office is the part where I never really do it. At all. And actually, it’s my personal belief that if there’s dust on a bookshelf, that means there aren’t enough books on it. Incidentally, I’m always on the lookout for more books. And for more reasons to buy more books. Okay yes, I may have a bit of a book problem. Some may think me “shelf-ish” (I know, I can’t believe I said it either). I think I’d rather call it a dust problem, but … [Read more...]
Talking circles around knowledge
I’ve tried some of those idiot-proof tech products and you know what I’ve found? I’ve found that sometimes they grossly underestimate the power of a true tech-idiot. You have to be near genius level to even read the instructions on your average electronic device these days. And I’m talking about the instructions for the on/off switch. For a calculator. I’m pretty sure I heard somewhere that genius in all areas is 99% perspiration and 62% wishing you had listened in math class. And I would … [Read more...]
You made your bed, now fry in it
Never scrimp on an electric blanket. Electrical currents on top of your body. While you’re sleeping. Think about it. Also, if the lights flicker when you plug it in and you smell bacon you should probably forget the whole thing and just get a Snuggie. Or also if you wake up in a morning and find it melted into a puddle of liquid wool and smoking wires. Snuggie. If you hear sizzling at any time. Snuggie. My grandmother once had an electric blanket that had to be from the pit of the hottest … [Read more...]
Awash in God’s grace
You can tell a lot about people by the way they do their laundry. I have friends who have certain days they designate as “laundry days.” I confess, I’m probably much more impressed by that than any grown woman should be. My laundry days? They usually happen on whatever days I realize I have to make a choice: I have to wash a load, or I have to be one of those people who goes to Wal-Mart in pajama pants. I’m further impressed by my friends who go the extra mile, laundry-wise. They...are … [Read more...]
Wait for God, see His power
My toaster is totally messing with my head. It takes forever. I keep pushing the pop-up button only to find … bread. I wait and pop it up again. Still bread. Wait. Pop. Nope — still not toast. Then, what do I get in the split second between that pop-up and the next one? Cajun. It’s like a giant black crouton. It reminds me of waiting for a real person when you’re calling your Internet provider. There’s the tiniest moment between waiting so long you feel like a total chump and hanging up … [Read more...]
The case of the deep-fried guilt
I went to the food court at the mall the other day. Pretty sure I was found guilty. It’s weird because at the food court, you can eat an entire meal before you even find a table. Those people feed it to you one toothpick at a time. Three thousand deep-fried sample calories later, you still have to order dinner. “Order in the food court”— it’s probably some sort of mall law. I tried to object once but then I overruled myself. Last time, just before the guilt of overeating was about to … [Read more...]
Just too hard to swallow
I microwaved my second cup of coffee this morning and couldn’t figure out why in the world it tasted like cough medicine. Granted, I’m never sure how I’m supposed to be awake enough to get my own coffee when I’ve yet to have my coffee. Three or four sips in, I still didn’t get why it tasted so weird. Somewhere around that fifth sip, I woke up enough to remember it wasn’t my second cup of coffee. It was my first. And then another realization slowly started to sink in: I haven’t made the … [Read more...]
To Make a Long Story Pie
Isn’t it great when someone says, “to make a long story short,” because then you know to cancel your plans for the rest of the day. I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking I’m not one to talk about long stories or the people who tell them. I’m known for being more than a little on the wordy side. And still, even in a personal conversation, I sometimes have trouble listening to others whose presentations are longer than three minutes. Especially if they don’t have visual … [Read more...]
Then sulks my soul
I think my spirit gets a little pouty every now and then. It’s a spoiled rotten little spirit, mind you, and the things that inspire the pouting are most often quite trivial. Like having to get a new phone and not being able to keep the old number. Or like when you’ve been thinking about that last Ding Dong all day and then find somebody ate it and left the empty box. I so hate to admit this, but I’m just climbing out of a ridiculous pouty-mope right now. The other day I sighed so hard I’m … [Read more...]
Live, laugh, love, snort
I convince myself I’m pretty mature. And then I see somebody run into a door while texting and it all suddenly becomes very clear. Because, let me tell you, I can laugh for a good twenty minutes. Mercilessly. Not just a little, under-the-breath chortle either. No, I’m talking about laughing so hard that no real sound comes out—just those weird, wheezy throat-squeaks. Then tears. Then snorting. That kind of laughter. Videos of people stumbling? Don’t even get me started because I can laugh … [Read more...]
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