I was chatting with a friend who was fretting over all the stress at Thanksgiving. I said something like, “At least you’ll have that big family get-together.” Then she told me that was the reason she was stressing. She popped a couple of Tums as she told me about her Uncle Bob. She said she had to fight rather felonious thoughts related to the man. In the course of our conversation, I told her several times, “Yes, it would be that bad to set fire to your uncle’s barn.” And “No, it doesn’t … [Read more...]
To-do-listing His love for us
I’m a list person. Big time. I’ve been known to actually make lists of my lists. I think that means I have a problem. There’s probably a 12-step program. I’m intrigued that they’ll probably need to list the steps. Until there’s an intervention, I’ll just tell you that I’ll keep on listing. My lists help me sort out all the “have to do’s” from the “should have dones” and the “wish I had time to do’s.” One of my favorite things about lists is the sheer pleasure of the checking. Checkmarks … [Read more...]
To-do-listing His love for us
I’m a list person. Big time. I’ve been known to actually make lists of my lists. I think that means I have a problem. There’s probably a 12-step program. I’m intrigued that they’ll probably need to list the steps. Until there’s an intervention, I’ll just tell you that I’ll keep on listing. My lists help me sort out all the “have to do’s” from the “should have dones” and the “wish I had time to do’s.” One of my favorite things about lists is the sheer pleasure of the checking. Checkmarks … [Read more...]
All-consuming praise, not all-consumed pastry
The other morning I woke up thinking…donuts. All thought processes were pretty much completely consumed with all things donutty, sugar-coated, fat-filled and mmmmm. So much so that when I got to the coffee shop, I contemplated eating the top three rows of pastries. Also there were only three rows of pastries. Yes, I wanted all the pastries. All of them. I think I’d just about convinced myself at that point that I could speak fluent Danish. Danish? Get it? And while I’m on the topic (excuse … [Read more...]
Soul-survivors are worth the risk
Have you seen any of those survival skills reality shows? They usually involve one or two wilderness survival experts. I guess survivalists are basically people who are skilled in not dying. The experts get dropped into various hostile wilderness environments with little or no supplies and have to survive off the land and their smarts. If that were me? Oh my. How many ways could I die? The survivalists have to beat off jaguars and snakes, poisonous insects and a vicious foot fungus or two. … [Read more...]
Mount up with wings as horseflies?
Unbelievable. First of all, it was the biggest horsefly-looking thing I’d ever seen. Was it a bird? A pterodactyl maybe? More horse than fly, really. I think I could’ve saddled it. We’re talking about a horrifyingly large horsefly here. I read somewhere that the lifespan of the average horsefly is only a few days. If that’s true then this one had been alive for about four years. But in addition to being huge, it was scary-strong. The thing stayed on the windshield of my moving vehicle for … [Read more...]
Bear-slayers, blanket-bearers and not going it alone
Anytime I find myself with no electricity—no working AC or hairdryer or microwave or fridge—I call that a catastrophic event. Some other people call that “camping.” Same thing, right? My friends—many of you—know that I’m an extremely indoorsy kind of gal. My spirit animal is a Snuggie. Someone once told me that enjoying the outdoors is really about having the right tools. Like maybe a Swiss Army knife. I should make it clear here that if a Swiss Army knife would ever be wasted on … [Read more...]
How Much Brain Should I Use?
What? It’s a myth? I’m sad to hear that. Because I sort of liked the idea that we humans only use 10% of our brains. I thought I could volunteer to be a case study for the research even. Because I think most of the time I use much less than that. On the other hand, it was a bit frustrating to think about 90% of brain function remaining virtually untapped. What a waste. All those brain cells. Just sitting there with nothing to do. I still get a little nervous about learning new things. … [Read more...]
Shop ‘til you get dropped – and love anyway
I’d been grocery shopping long enough that I found myself wrestling a two-ton cart. Why is it you can never tell the cart has a wanky wheel until you’ve loaded it with the first ton of stuff and there’s no turning back? That sucker pulled so hard to the left I’m pretty sure I accidentally circled the store three extra times. It was grocery rush hour so I hunted to find a checkout lane short enough that I might have a chance to get out of the store before morning. Nothing. But then … [Read more...]
Let’s love like the best spray-on orbit
I can always tell when we’re at the beginning of a new season. Not by a wanky knee or Granny’s weather beetle. Nothing like that. No, I can tell by the sudden need to refigure the frizz to hair-product ratio. Time to check out the atmos-hair-ic condition. Percent relative humidity times the circumference of your head, divided by the barometric pressure, times the wind velocity, then multiplied again by how important it is for you to look good for a meeting. Most days when I’m breaking in a … [Read more...]
Where’s the Remote?
Oh, the things we do to keep from having to get up off the sofa. “Do you have the remote?” “No. You had it last.” “You sure you don’t have it? Get up.” I’m not sure why there are places in the deepest recesses of the couch where the remote becomes completely invisible. There must be an entrance into some kind of parallel TV universe in there. Incidentally, the first time I heard they were making a “universal remote,” I thought we finally had something that would help with the … [Read more...]
Living life in the fast-food lane
I’d like to squelch the rumor circulating the St. Louis area that if my husband wants to hide something from me, he puts it in the oven. Totally untrue. Because my husband would never hide anything from me. Maybe I mentioned before that a friend once told me I should stop the pretense and just get rid of the stove altogether. Of course, I told her that would be deranged. “De-ranged”? Get it? I know it’s not right, but I still so often relish life in the fast food lane. Relish it, mustard … [Read more...]
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