I was working on a book in a wild fury. My fingers had been flying across the keyboard for the better part of an afternoon. I was in “the zone,” man. The zone is a very happy place for a writer to be—especially when a deadline is inching nearer. And by “inching” I actually mean barreling down like a locomotive. Procrastination, however, just seems to be my way. I think it’s because I work so much better with that good, panic-driven rush of adrenaline. I’m pretty sure I do my best writing … [Read more...]

I may look calm on the outside. But on the inside I’m frantically trying to digest ridiculous amounts of complex carbs without storing cellulite. Time to up the metabolism, I’m thinking. Seems the logical fix would be coffee. That’s why I figure I’m helping things along if I drive through for a grande mocha latte with extra whip. Someone told me that the average person drinks 22 gallons of coffee a year. I’ve also heard it said that the average person walks about 8,000 miles a year just … [Read more...]

If we actually follow the “lather, rinse, repeat” instructions on the shampoo bottle, won’t we end up stuck in a shower-time-loop for the rest of our lives? Then again, if we read the directions on a lot of these products, we might instead just end up confused for the rest of our lives. Like the can of spray paint labeled, “Do not spray in your face.” Wow. Barely dodged that bullet. Then there’s the blow dryer with the directions “Do not use while sleeping.” Again, whew—close one. And … [Read more...]

How about we all just do this thing together. Let’s simultaneously go to the pantry for something to snack on and stare at a box of instant potatoes for about three minutes. It’s true, decisions can be tough. We make a lot of difficult choices every day. That’s why I try not to judge people, for instance, according to their snack choices. Even when they don’t choose chocolate. I try not to judge, but let’s face it, I don’t get them at all. You say potato. I say Butterfinger. Relatedly, I … [Read more...]

A panda walks into a café and orders a sandwich. He eats it, then draws a gun and shoots the other patrons. A surviving waiter, quivering as he looks up from the carnage, asks, “Why?” Before walking out the door, the panda tosses the waiter a poorly punctuated wildlife manual and replies, “Look it up.” The waiter searches for the relevant entry and reads aloud: “Panda. Large, black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.” This joke serves as the namesake … [Read more...]

There are several reasons I’ll never skydive. I’ll give you my top two. First, I’ve seen videos of people skydiving. Their faces … well … they “flutter.” Wildly. Honestly, I don’t need to see my face flapping violently over my ears, thank you very much. That kind of wind velocity is just not meant for faces over 40. It ends up looking like a basset hound pup with its head out a car window—multiplied by however many years you are over 40. I’m not daring enough to sass the math. Gravity plus … [Read more...]

People can be funny about seasons. I know a gal who only drinks coffee in the winter. I want to tell her—with entirely too much enthusiasm—it’s a cup of coffee. Not a wool scarf. This is not a “white-shoes-after-Labor-Day” kind of thing. To every drink there is a season. For me, coffee is all of them. Why is it we tend to put some things in a seasonal box where they don’t belong, and not include others that really do? For instance, some of us routinely make fitness seasonal. Personally, … [Read more...]

Anytime you trip in front of your friends, the best thing to do is to just bounce right back up and keep on going. To the airport. And then leave the country. Maybe change your name. Isn’t it a little hard to save face after your face just did a plant? Especially a face plant on gravel. Exfoliation gone so wrong. The last time I took a tumble I didn’t do a face plant so there was no eating gravel or anything. But I think I do remember the faint taste linoleum for a while. It was in a busy … [Read more...]

Maybe I mentioned before that I always keep dried fruit in my desk drawer so I’ll have a healthy snack handy when I’m working. Except the fruits are so dry that all that’s left of them is these nacho cheesy Doritos. Somehow that makes it an even sadder snack situation when I reach for my fruit and all I find in the bottom of the Dorito bag is a bunch of orange powder. I hate that. Some people would suggest that whenever that happens, I would do well to take the hint and go get an apple. … [Read more...]

You know how I usually know I’ve been too busy? I open the refrigerator door and find fur. And then I stand there for several seconds wondering what it used to be. Then I stand there another several seconds wondering if I should have it spayed or neutered. It happened again the other day. I was standing with the fridge door open and my son told me he heard something groaning. I assured him it was only me. They heard my groaning, yet there is no one to comfort me. – For I must clean the … [Read more...]