We’ve been talking about getting an invisible fence for the dog. Then I got to thinking, wouldn’t it be cheaper to just get an invisible dog? Immediate reduction in food costs. And the yard cleanup? No comparison. If your invisible dog decides to use your sofa as a giant face towel, you’re not any worse off. Not to mention, taking your invisible dog to the imaginary vet could save a boatload of bucks. On the other hand, invisible dogs are not very effective when you try to blame them for … [Read more...]
Giving all – mind, body and brownies
My workout routine for today: stirred brownie batter. It was really thick brownie batter too. So thick I’m probably going to need a nap. Right after I eat this brownie. I was contemplating being out of shape the other day as I pulled out my new gym membership card. I should explain here that my new gym membership card isn’t nearly so much about my workout routine as it is my imagination. But I figure even if I don’t have an active lifestyle, at least I do have an active imagination. So … [Read more...]
Ultimate thrills: Life in Jesus’ power
Thrills. Different people find them in different ways, from different places, according to different personalities and various likes, dislikes and individual pain tolerances. Personally, I get a real charge from an all-day trip to the mall. I get a real “charge.” – Get it? … Never mind. Anyway, if you offered my husband a choice between going to the mall and being covered in poison ivy, you might as well go ahead and pass him the calamine. He said the other day—in a perfectly serious … [Read more...]
Choosy folks choose wisdom
Ice cream is beautiful. I don’t see any reason to scream for it, but I have no problem asking for it—even if I have to get a little loud. Every once in a while I just have to have something cold, creamy and beautifully calorically corrupt. The choice is never difficult. It’s got to be chocolate. But I remember when the kids were younger, sometimes the choosing was no small deal for them. There was one time in particular when Daniel was around 12, he took a good ten minutes to … [Read more...]
Be very careful because anger can sting
It was the wasp nest to end all wasp nests. Maybe it was the fruit punch the kids had spilled on the back deck that first attracted them. But by the time we followed the cloud of bugs to the back of the house – oh, my goodness – it was the biggest nest I’d ever seen. It was obvious these bugs had already finished an adjoining guest house and were beginning construction on the stables and tennis courts. I’ll just tell you flat out that anytime a nest is bigger than my head, I automatically … [Read more...]
O magnify and liquefy; drink living H2O
People say that to survive a volatile stock market you should have plenty of liquidity. That’s why I’m thinking about investing in water. When you’re investing in water stocks, I wonder if you get to decide whether to buy the hydrogen and oxygen together or separately. I don’t know, chemistry was never my thing. Knowing me, I’d mix up my formulas. A couple of extra dashes of oxygen and instead of H2O I could end up with something like H2O2. That might be a better investment stock-wise, but … [Read more...]
The details are a little Etch-a-Sketchy
I was working on a book in a wild fury. My fingers had been flying across the keyboard for the better part of an afternoon. I was in “the zone,” man. The zone is a very happy place for a writer to be—especially when a deadline is inching nearer. And by “inching” I actually mean barreling down like a locomotive. Procrastination, however, just seems to be my way. I think it’s because I work so much better with that good, panic-driven rush of adrenaline. I’m pretty sure I do my best writing … [Read more...]
Complex carbs, the complexity of burnout
I may look calm on the outside. But on the inside I’m frantically trying to digest ridiculous amounts of complex carbs without storing cellulite. Time to up the metabolism, I’m thinking. Seems the logical fix would be coffee. That’s why I figure I’m helping things along if I drive through for a grande mocha latte with extra whip. Someone told me that the average person drinks 22 gallons of coffee a year. I’ve also heard it said that the average person walks about 8,000 miles a year just … [Read more...]
“Follow instructions, use as directed”
If we actually follow the “lather, rinse, repeat” instructions on the shampoo bottle, won’t we end up stuck in a shower-time-loop for the rest of our lives? Then again, if we read the directions on a lot of these products, we might instead just end up confused for the rest of our lives. Like the can of spray paint labeled, “Do not spray in your face.” Wow. Barely dodged that bullet. Then there’s the blow dryer with the directions “Do not use while sleeping.” Again, whew—close one. And … [Read more...]
Butterfingers and decisions, decisions
How about we all just do this thing together. Let’s simultaneously go to the pantry for something to snack on and stare at a box of instant potatoes for about three minutes. It’s true, decisions can be tough. We make a lot of difficult choices every day. That’s why I try not to judge people, for instance, according to their snack choices. Even when they don’t choose chocolate. I try not to judge, but let’s face it, I don’t get them at all. You say potato. I say Butterfinger. Relatedly, I … [Read more...]
When words lose their meaning
A panda walks into a café and orders a sandwich. He eats it, then draws a gun and shoots the other patrons. A surviving waiter, quivering as he looks up from the carnage, asks, “Why?” Before walking out the door, the panda tosses the waiter a poorly punctuated wildlife manual and replies, “Look it up.” The waiter searches for the relevant entry and reads aloud: “Panda. Large, black-and-white bear-like mammal, native to China. Eats, shoots and leaves.” This joke serves as the namesake … [Read more...]
Finishing well and the situation’s gravity
There are several reasons I’ll never skydive. I’ll give you my top two. First, I’ve seen videos of people skydiving. Their faces … well … they “flutter.” Wildly. Honestly, I don’t need to see my face flapping violently over my ears, thank you very much. That kind of wind velocity is just not meant for faces over 40. It ends up looking like a basset hound pup with its head out a car window—multiplied by however many years you are over 40. I’m not daring enough to sass the math. Gravity plus … [Read more...]