In line. Again. Sometimes I wonder if I’m spending my entire Christmas season in line. Ready…set…WAIT. People do say it’s the season of wonder. I was in an express line at a department store the other day doing some intense wondering. First, I was wondering why they call it “express.” How express is the line if I’m in it for over half an hour? Second, I was wondering why there was mistletoe hanging at every checkout. What, they want to give me a smooch? Don’t take this the wrong way, but … [Read more...]
Kicking off the season – don’t pillage the village
We’re hardly past Halloween and it’s already started: the holiday shopping craze. Earlier every year, isn’t it? Now let me quickly point out that I can tolerate a lot of shopping. I actually have an extremely high threshold for that kind of thing. But I noticed a few weeks into last season’s Christmas shopping mania that my stamina had started to wane. I think a lot of it was because instead of “Christmas spirit,” a lot of the people I ran into had more of a “bliss-less spirit.” No … [Read more...]
Drama princess plays the percentages
My daughter just gave me a test on Facebook. I got a 67. So it’s official. According to the test, I am: “67% princess.” I wasn’t even surprised. There’s not much I won’t glitter or bedazzle and I’m all too okay with people serving me. I was a little bothered that after the test I didn’t win a tiara or anything—because seriously, that was an impressively high score. But the most troubling part? It was wrestling with the next obvious question: So what is the other 33% of me made of? I … [Read more...]
Making peace with the dishwasher door
Forget all those personality tests. Never mind the character studies. If you want insights into your own psyche, try the dishwasher. It’s a handy-dandy machine that can reveal what you’re really made of. All you have to do is follow these simple operating instructions: 1) Leave dishwasher door open. 2) Unwittingly apply shin forcefully to side of the open door. 3) Repeat as needed. There’s your temperament analysis. A few years ago there was a week or two when our dishwasher door wouldn’t … [Read more...]
Patiently Hanging on Every Word
If hanging onto reality is anything like hanging pictures, mine probably needs to go a little higher and to the right. I know, I know. There are all kinds of tools and methods to make picture-hanging easier. But I think I only feel I’ve put in the right amount of energy when I’m left with four or five holes for every one nail. Tap in a nail. Hang the picture. Eyeball it. Take down the picture. Pull out the nail. Put the nail closer to the right spot. Tap it in. Hang the picture. Eyeball … [Read more...]
Keep our eyes on Jesus as our lives flash by
Have you ever been in such mortal danger that you saw your life flash before your eyes? I’ve experienced fear, but I guess I’ve never been near enough death to get to see the show. Sometimes I worry a little that my blooper reel will be considerably more entertaining than the life show itself. If my life ever does flash before my eyes, I’m actually thinking at this point, it would probably be a sitcom. Still, every once in a while, I have to make myself look at the plot. When I look … [Read more...]
Unforgetting the glorious things God has done
Have I ever mentioned that I have a terrible memory? Maybe I did. Or maybe it slipped my mind. But hey, I remembered to buy all those vitamins that are supposed to help with memory. I’m pretty sure I’ve been forgetting to take them though. In the old days, people tied a string around their finger to help them remember. Guess I could try that. I’ve always wished I had a photographic memory. Someone told me I actually do have one – it’s just not developed. That’s probably it. I always seem … [Read more...]
When to stand, when to flamin-go
Have you ever awakened in a morning to find that an entire flock of pink plastic flamingos migrated into your yard in the night? Weird nesting behavior, right? It makes me sound old when I say it, but when I was a teenager, all we knew how to do was TP. I respect the creativity that rules the pranks of the day – those that are truly non-vandalous, of course. In the past few years, our property has not only been toilet-papered, but we’ve been plastic forked, we’ve been feathered, we’ve … [Read more...]
To the finish due to Christ’s finished work
Ever had one of those days? I had several in a row. And by “several,” I mean at least 10 years’ worth. They were days of never feeling quite … finished. I would get to the end of the day and think, what did I actually get done? It wasn’t that I hadn’t accomplished anything. But when you have five children in seven years, there will no doubt be days when, while you’re trying to salvage the toaster (the one someone used to try to toast Milk Duds), one of the other kids tells you your toddler … [Read more...]
Two pods in a pea – but loving anyway
According to the Sammy-cat, there’s no container that’s not worth sitting in. If there’s a bag, box, bowl, bin, basin or bucket that he can reach, there’s an understood “Dibs!” from Sammy as he slowly fills the container with himself. I had a rectangular basket sitting out the other day and Sammy poured himself inside it – well, poured most of himself inside it – and when I looked over, all I could see was a loaf of Sammy. So weird. Incidentally, Sammy has a thing about his personal … [Read more...]
What is ‘finding answers’?
Maybe I don’t need to tell anyone this, but there are a lot of reasons I’ll never be on Jeopardy. One big one is that I can very reasonably imagine Alex Trebek saying something like, “Please remember to phrase all your ignorance in the form of a question.” Um, I’ll take “No Way I’ll Ever Get Any of These Right” for 200 please, Alex. What if the question that’s the answer, isn’t my answer? What if my question is just really a question? Because I don’t know the answer to the question – or … [Read more...]
Shall we supersize? Only for more of Him
Many people have held out hope that it would never happen again. Yet here it is: I’ve written another poem. Yes, I do know I’m not a poet. Real poets? They feel compelled to write poetry. Me? I write poetry more out of … rebellion. Real poets write poetry from the heart. I think mine is more from the liver. Maybe pancreas. As if it’s not enough that I’ve ignored the pleas of those who’ve read my poetry before, this particular poem must be read in the voice of a well-schooled Shakespearean … [Read more...]
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