Exactly ten years ago, I penned a column about the great Baptist layman and motivational speaker Zig Ziglar. He told a story about his 44th wedding anniversary. He said his wife looked at him one day and said, “Honey, I wish I was younger.”
“Why?” Zig replied, thinking about the adventure of four decades of marriage to the woman of his dreams.
“If I was younger, I could be married to you even longer,” she answered.
Amazing story about a couple that loved each other through some of life’s very deep valleys. Zig’s story prompted me to ask some questions: Is this the kind of marriage relationship people only fantasize about? Or is it possible for everyday people to experience a long-term marriage relationship of deep love, respect, and affection?
Scripture offers some clear teaching about our most intimate relationship, namely marriage. You can find clear teaching in several biblical sites including Ephesians 5:15-33; Proverbs 5:18, 18:22, 19:14; Matthew 19:5; Colossians 3:18-19; and 1 Corinthians 7:1-5.
There is also the “not good” statement by our Creator in Genesis 2:18. Our great God in His infinite wisdom knew that it was “not good” for man to be alone; he needed someone other than himself for completeness.
So, what’s the secret to marriage longevity? I don’t know if I have discovered the “secret” so much as I know there are principles that have worked for Sharon and me. Let me offer some values I’ve found helpful:
1. Dedicate your marriage to the Lord. From a biblical perspective, marriage is not just between two people. The Lord is a significant part of this relationship. Three is not a crowd when you both practice His presence as a welcomed participant. The result is that you can pray with one heart and handle disagreements with a different perspective than what mere humans bring to a relationship.
If you haven’t done it yet (or it has been a long time), take her by the hand and bend the knee at your church altar or wherever and place your marriage relationship on the altar. Let your wife experience you taking the lead on this, not for show or for manipulation, but from the purity of your heart. When it is His marriage instead of yours, you treat it with a different level of respect and priority.
2. Every day, learn something about her. I call her my “Sugarbabyluv” because I study her, watch her, and cherish her. A few months after our engagement, Sharon was diagnosed with a rapidly developing form of cancer. So much so, the surgeon told her mom not to order the wedding invitations until he was finished with the surgery.
That was a huge moment in our lives – in my life. From that day forward, I have recognized and lived as if there was not going to be a tomorrow. As a result, I know I need to say at the end of every day, “I learned this one thing about her today.” I don’t always have the one thing about her every day, but nonetheless that is the plan.
Don’t be confused; planning is different than living. I make plans way out in advance and have some ideas for our 2040 calendar. I know that living is about embracing the moment, and I cherish every day with her. Together, we seek to live as if we are in the presence of the living God.
Gents, what is the one thing you can learn about your beloved today?
3. Use good judgment. That’s another way of saying be smart about your interaction with others. Every man needs to exercise good judgment with women other than the one to whom he’s married. Whether at work, church or at the PTA, any level of sexual interaction with anyone other than your spouse will break your heart. As a result of indiscrete judgment, the landscape of too many American homes is littered with broken lives, broken marriages, and broken children.
Zig Ziglar used fire as an illustration. “Sex, like fire, properly handled is a beautiful gift from God. A fire in a fireplace can bring cheer, comfort and warmth. If the fire spreads into the rest of the home, disaster is the result. Sex outside of marriage leads to more problems and difficulties than any other single thing. Every night you need to say to your mate, ‘Honey, I love you and I was faithful to you today.’”
The Holy Spirit used several New Testament writers to speak about living in such a hedonistic culture. Take time to read what God says about marriage purity and exercise good judgment.
4. Keep on courting. Remember your first love? Remember when you thought more about her than about what you were doing? How you did things just for her? When was the last time you surprised her with flowers or mailed her a card? You don’t have to wait for Valentine’s Day (but it is this week) or an anniversary.
The spice of a marriage is spontaneously expressing how much you value her, accept her, cherish her. That’s what you did for her when you first started. You valued her as a person. Try this: Take her on a no-cell-phone date. Ask her to retell the story of your first conversation. Don’t interrupt. Look in her eyes and listen.
After five-plus decades, I’ve learned a few things that work and some things that were complete disasters. But to be the most successful, do what the Scripture teaches in Ephesians 5:25, “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church .…”